Healer more than the Healing

      This is a follow up of last weeks post about why I left the LDS Church and why I choose to return.  This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life for so many different reasons. January of 2017 my family came to Arizona to visit my family, leaving was increadably hard. I stood outside my parents house crying wondering-very literally when was going to be the next time I would come back. I cryed to the airport-2 hours away, cried on the plane, and cried for weeks after getting home.  I never once even thought about moving, and even if I did the thought quickly ended because I knew Shane would never leave East Tennessee.  Funny thing though, within a couple weeks of returning home I heard from at least two people that Shane had told them that he "would move to Arizona if I could."  I thought ok big boy, if thats really what you mean, we are going to start praying about this. At first he thought I was jocking, but soon realized I was totally serious.  It was not until May that Shane had confirmation that we were to move. He randomly had to teach Sunday School and the lesson was from Matthew 26:39, where Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane and He asks the Father "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me:nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."  He felt all week as he prepared that, that lesson was intended for him, in reguards to the move.  If that was not enough as it was, we walk upstairs and our preacher preached from that same exact scripture, with just a different emphesis than the Sunday School lesson. He had confirmation that day that we were to move, was it hard, absolutly!!!!!  Shane, even that day had to, unexpectedly tell his parent about the possible move. I am pretty sure that day was one of Shane's worst days of his life. 
           Fast forwarding, the house went on the market, the sale itself was pretty low key, compared to the sale of our last house. We closed on the house September 6th and left that afternoon for the 1900 mile trip to our new home.  If anyone thinks they have a strong marriage or family, just pick and move accross country and just see if it won't put your marriage and your family to the test.  These last 6 months have been extreamly hard. It was what we, in the depths of our souls, thought the Lord was calling us to do.  Does that mean it has been easy, ABSOLUTLY not.  In so many ways it has actually gotten harder since the move.  I have heard so many times from our preacher that when you choose to do the Lord's will it will often get harder. Have there been times that I, we, have second guessed ourselves-maybe we should go back, yes! Have there been times where Shane has been in the truck with the intention of going home, yes.  Has this been extreamly hard on our marriage and on the family as a whole, ABSOLUTLY.  Are we in our own house, or even have any plans, no. Are we getting answers from the Lord as fast as we would like them to come, no. BUT...Does any of that mean that it was not the Father's will that we moved, absolutly not.  If everything had been easy-pesy after the move, than of course it would have been so easy to say..."Well of course it was the Father's will that we move."  We stood by the Lord before the move, knowing that it was His will, it's almost as if the Lord is asking Shane and I "Are you still going to stand by your conviction that it was my will for you to move, even when it gets hard?" 
           Has my choice to return to the LDS Church been hard on my family, most defiantly. Something I have cried countless times over.  "Lord, I never wanted this for my family, for my children to see their parents going to different churches. For my husband and I not to be united in worship." This is a trial that I have prayed over and over to be relieved of, and the relief has not yet come.  One might say, well than just return to the Baptist Church and all will be well.  I would have to reply two things, I believe with all my heart that the Book of Mormon is God's word and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God just as Abraham, or Elijah (I had to pick those because of my boys ;), and there is no other church on this planet that believes these to be true.  Second, I love my husband and my children, but the Lord has to be number one, so if he is telling me to do something even though it might be hard, don't you think I aught to do it. In much a similar way, Shane and I have gone through trials this year that have been very closely linked. Shane did not want the Lord's will to be for us to move, but he could not deny what the Lord was calling him to do, I did not want the teachings of the LDS church to be true, but I can not deny the truth that the Holy Spirit testified to me of.  Our families have been sadend and effected by our choices, our choices have not been easy, but if its the Lord's will, than no matter how hard it may get, it is the best path.
          With Easter right before us, its kindof ironic that I kept having this feeling to write this follow up to last weeks post. It brings us back to the verse from Shane's Sunday School lesson Matthew 26:39.  Christ, himself asked for the cup to pass from him if it were possibly, but what he wanted even more was for the Father's will to be accomplished.  Could He have said, no, this is too hard, I dont want to do it, absolutly, BUT He didn't. He didn't take the easy way out, He took the HARD way out, that cost Him His life. But like anything in life when we push though the hard things, amazing things happen. When we push through schooling we have a huge satisfaction that we have bettered ourselves. When we exercise hard and eat healthy, to loose weight and to be healthy we have great satisfaction that we have done something good for our bodies.  If Christ had not pushed though the extreem hard times of His last week of life, then He would not have rose from the grave and would not have had victory, we would not have victory.  There is a song I heard just the other day that will help all this come to a close, the title of it is More than Anything by Natalie Grant. This is the chores of it..."Help me want the Healer more than the healing, Help me want the Savior more than the saving, Help me want the Giver more than the giving, Help me want You, Jesus more than anything." We pray so often for trials to end or pass by us, but it is in those trails that the greatest things happen.
         So, do Shane and I still have our trails, have we figured out everything about this move or anything about religious issues, no. We are trying to work through these trials, to the best we know  how to now. We are both trying to focus more on what we still have in common, instead of picking at what is now different about our relationship.  Have either of us mastered any of this no, but we are still trying.  We are doing our best, in the moment, to push though the hard times, in order to reach the glorious times ahead.

Why I left the LDS church and why I returned.

       I was born to parents who were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Shortly after my parents devorced, before I was a year old, my mom left the Church.  From age 5 till 13 I was raised by my dad, we were very active in the LDS church, I loved my family and I loved the Church. I bounced back and forth from my dad to my mom during my teenage years. While with my dad I went to the LDS church, while with my mom, we went to mainly a Christian church. When I graduated high school and moved to east Tennessee, I started attending a Baptist church, where I eventually met my husband and we were married there. 
        My journey away from the LDS church was not based on one single event, and happened over the course of many years. There are some things that did lead me in that direction, and that is what I would like to explain to you.  While attending a Christian church in Virginia I went on a couple youth conferences. I felt something amazing there. Something was truly amazing about 100s of youth all singing praises to the Lord. I now understand that feeling to be the Holy Spirit.  I also know that you can feel the Holy Spirit in many many different places, in my house, in many different denominations of churches, simply being outside, and so on.  Having these experiences outside the LDS church led me to realize there are wonderful people and wonderful things happening outside the LDS church also.  During high-school I started noticing a few judgemental comments from friends within the LDS church, and they did not sit to well with me. I am not a person that confront people, so I just ended up internalizing these comments. Added to the fact that I was, and of course still am, very much growing in my faith and trying to find my way, I ended up attatching myself to religion outside the LDS church. I was still the same person, I still loved my savior, and wanted to grow closer to him. I loved going to church, listening to contemperary chirstian music and being around my church friends. I was happy with where I was spiritually. I respected my dad and all his family for being members of the LDS church, this was a mutual respect.
        Much like my journey away from the LDS church, being over the course of many years; like so was my journey back to the LDS church.  Over the course of the 16 years away from the LDS church; while being very active in a different denomination; I heard countless times judgmental comments, either directly or indirectly putting the LDS church down. These comments were made in converstaions, in sunday school classes and even from the pulpit.  Every time  a comment was made, something in me twinged a little bit, but I knew I did not believe in the teachings of the LDS church and so I would just brush them off (even though I can still remember many of the comments specifically).  I promise with everything in me that I didn't return to the LDS church simply because I had heard judgemental comments.  I also want to add, in the course of these 16 years, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. It was during this time that I realized that the Lord turly loves me, cares about and wants to help me, so these years were very fundamental to me on my personal journey.
        Febuary 28 of 2017 I was attending my weekly bible study, that I love so dearly. We were studing the book of John that year and that week specifically we were studing about false prophets.  Let me go back and add a couple of detials about this situation. Just over a month prior to this event my family flew to Arizona to visit my family. Durning our time here, we sat around the table and had a good ol' family bible study. Towards the end of this time my dad gave his testimony, which was ALL about Chirst.  The second thing I want to add is my bible study is a non-denominational bible study. We were advised not to name our specific church or any specific pastors, to keep us all on a level playing field, we were all there to learn more about Chirst-period.  Well like any other rules or guidelines, not everyone follows them. One lady that night said "My family flew into Salt Lake City to visit some national parks, the Mormons say that they are Chirstian, but there was nothing about Chirst there."  Oh my heavens!!!!!!! Total stab to my heart, for two reasons, only about a month prior had I heard from my dads mouth his testimony all about Jesus Christ, and two, even though I sturggled with some things about the LDS church I NEVER once thought that they worship or believe in anything other than Christ, the whole religion is totally centered around Christ. The remainder of the week I was completly consumed in termoil. By Saturday of that week the termoil was literally seeping out of me.  Shane said something to me very innocently, and I broke into tears.  He thought I was mad at him. I did my best to explian what was all on my mind that week, he ended the conversation parying for me to have peace and find the answers I was looking for. Shane advised me that maybe I should talk to our asistant pastor's wife and my dad. Not that I did not trust Shane and his advice or either of these individuals and their advice, but I knew this was a situation only myself and the Lord had to work out. I also knew that the Lord was going to be the only one who would give me totally unbiased opinion. I had simple came to a point in my life that I HAD to know, and I could not bear with myself any longer. I HAD to know, were the teaching of the LDS church true or not.  The way I see it they are either true or the are not, there really is no gray area. Joseph Smith either did have a vision where he saw the Father and the Son or he didn`t; he either translated the golden plates, by the power of the Holy Spirit, into what we know of as the Book of Mormon, or he didn't and he totally made it up.  I will tell you in total honesty, I DID NOT want it to be true, but I HAD to know one way or the other. I was tired of the judgment not knowing for sure what the truth was, and I knew only the Lord could answer these questions.
        Over the next three weeks I literally poured over the internet trying to prove to myself that Joseph Smith had just simply written the Book of Mormon and made the whole Mormon religion up. I kept hearing a voice saying "Just read the Book of Mormon," which I brushed off saying I dont have time, I don't have the energy, I am not even getting much Bible study time in, how can I try to read the Book of Mormon. I kept up my effort of trying to prove Joseph Smith had just written the Book of Mormon by his own efforts, but I found myself getting more and more confussed to the point that one specific night I lay in Millie's bed, putting her to sleep, reading a article about Joseph Smith and my whole soul was in so much agony. I said inwardly after that "Lord I don't know, I am so confussed, maybe none of this religion stuff matters at all."  It was not until I put down the internet and started reading with an open heart, not knowing what I was going to find that answers started come and the calmness of the Holy Spirit filled me. Like I said earlier I was not having much time for my own Bible study, and when all this started I had even less time. Amazing things started happening though. My time was somehow mutiplied. I think back now and wonder how in the world did I even accomlish all that I did in the short time. In about 2 and a half months I had read the Book of Mormon through, along with another  200 page book and countless internet articles. All while I was still homeschooling and keeping up with my daily duties fairly well.  I also noticed I was more loving toward my children and just had a more positive attitude.  I started thinking, how can something that is "bad" create in me something so good.
          Three weeks after the incedent at my bible study, on a cold Sunday afternoon, two of the sweetest sister missionaries ever so quietly knocked on me door. We talked for a moment, I told them that we attended church somewhere else, they were not pushy at all, said they would love to come over and read from the Bible with my family, and they were on their way. I will add during this time not a single soul on this earth, other than Shane knew that I was struggling with these questions, I will also add that in the 16 years since I had left the LDS church not once, in my memory, had the LDS missionaries ever knocked on my door.  They left that day and did not return for another 3-4 weeks, at which time they were still not pushy they just wanted to share a short video about the resurection of Christ. In the weeks to come they came to the house usually about once a week, most the time to just hang out and talk. They never gave me a formal lesson or anything, they just simply became my friends, all of my precious Sister missionaries I consider true angels and still keep in contact with all of them.
          Through many tears, prayers, studing, and pondering I received confirmation over an over that the Book of Mormon is truly God's word and that the teaching of the LDS church are true.  I knew this was going to be quite a shock to most people and there would be quite a few who did not agree with me decision, but I could not deny the truth that the Holy Spirit had testified to me of.  So I returned to the LDS church not because of judgment, but becoming fed up with judgment led me to start asking questions.  One time, while talking to my dad, he advised me concerning judgment "I can't tell you that you will not experience judgment in the LDS church," I said "I know dad, but at least now I know the truth."  Is there judgment inside the LDS church, absolutly, is there judgment outside the LDS church, absolutly. Will there be things that are said by Sunday school teachers that are not correct docterine, yes, will there be things said from pulpits all accross he world that are false docerine, yes. We all are sinners, we all make mistakes, LDS or not.
         So simply put, I did not return to the LDS church because I was raised in it, because of judgment, because we were praying about moving to Arizona. I choose to return because the Holy Spirit testified of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and that Joseph Smith truly was a prophet called of God. Has this been an easy journey, absolutly not.                                                                   
       

Why did God even make me?

Have you ever wondered why God even made you? I have asked myself this many times, but even more sometimes, why did God make me a mother. I mess it up more and more. I seem to make someone in the house upset pretty often, I can't seem to cook the right things, and I make everyone do things they don't want to do. This came to me this evening, and I had to write it down, so that next time I can go back and remind myself of these truths.
I often pray that the children will see Christ through me. Maybe that not the right prayer. If you could see Christ through me, than I would not be filled with anything, I would be hollow I would be "see through."  Instead my prayer should be Lord fill me that I might be a reflection of You.
Like any parent I want to be a good example to my children, but I fail everyday, many times a day. I can't be the example these children need me to be, only Christ can be their true example. If I "could" be that good example for them, than the outcome of their adulthood would have been based upon my example, instead of Christ's example and grace, it would allow me to take responsibility for their outcome. Instead I know  I can't be this good and perfect example to my children, I only ruin them, if they have learned anything good from me, it is ultimately because the Lord has aloud them to learn it from me, for all good things are from the Lord. If they do turn out to be God fearing adults, I know it won't be because of me, but only because of the Lord grace, His faithfulness and example. I guess what I am trying to say is that my sinfulness and lack of being a good example just magnifies how perfect of an example and faithful God is. So why did God make me... I still don't totally have that answer, but I know He didn't make me and expect me to be perfect.

Focus on what is in front of you right now.

I have said before that my children tend to teach me more than I teach them. Well this morning it happened again. We we're working on Millie's math lesson and she saw the back of one page, and that it had about 75 more addition problems than she is use to; it was just a math drill; well she saw that and could not, and I mean could not focus on the work on the other side of the page. Simple problems like 2+3 she was having a hard time thinking of the answer. In the midst of this I hear that still small voice saying "Marlene you are no different." When I see a possible trial approaching, do I focus on what is in front of me right now, or do I focus on the trial that is yet to come. Often we make our future trials out to me more than they actually will be, just like Millie I didn't make her do all 100 problems and I was right with her to help her through the problems. That's the way God is, often our trials end up being less severe than we dream they will turn out, and the Lord is there to walk us through all the way. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to men, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." So in Marlene's wording...whatever trial I go through has already been a trail to someone else (basically I am not alone) and, the big point, God is FAITHFUL to help us through our trials. So the verse that come to mind in all of this is Matthew 6:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble."
This is a big reason I am thankful we are able to homeschool, not that it happens this way all the time, because it doesn't. In the midst of Millie getting so upset about her, possible, future task I was able to keep calm myself, through the still small voice, and encourage her to not think about the things to come but to focus on the problem in front of her, literally. I am thankful that through the times that I mess up and I don't handle things so calmly, that the Lord still wants to help me to become better, and that today I was the encouragement she needed. Because after all today is all that we have.

M

What I am thankful for?

Can anyone answer this question in a simple way, I can't.

The only way I can simply put it is I am thankful for God's undeserved mercy and grace upon me.I don't deserve my husband and his hard work, his love and acceptance of me and my crazy quarks. I don't deserve my precious children that the Lord has entrusted me, to care for them. So many times I feel I am showing the way they shouldn't act instead of the way they should act. My only saving grace are prayers that they see Christ though me, through my mistakes, and as madre says to me, "it shows them that you are human too, and make mistakes." I don't deserve the Lords provisions on my life. Do we have money coming out of our ears and all we want and all the kids want, absolutely not. Are our need met, 100% plus far more. We have a house to call home, a beautiful sturdy house, where my kiddos can play outside. We are truly blessed with wonderful neighbors, who are very willing to help us whenever we need them. We live in a country that most defiantly has its problems, but we are free to worship the Lord the way we choose. Our country is blessed, we can go to the grocery store, or not even leave our house and shop for anything and everything we could ever dream of. I don't deserve to be a home-school mom. Three years into this journey, I can honestly say this is by far been our best year. Because the kiddos have changed, absolutely not. Because I have changed. I have tried, emphasis on tried and still trying, to relax. Let them learn their natural way. I have tried to make learning more fun, and try to let them see that learning just doesn't have to be "8-2 Monday through Friday, etc" that learning, can be a way of life, and that learning can be fun. Because the Lord has aloud me to home-school I am able to let the children be who they are and develop individually. Millie is a dancer, if she could she would walk through the house on her hands, and I am waiting on I the day she will be able to. It used to really irritate me that she would get up from a lesson and go do a handstand or a flip. I would make comments like-if you were in school you would not be allowed to do that you would sit in your desk and sit there till your teacher told you to move. The Lord had a little talk with me about that, "Marlene but she is not in school." To a certain extent I can allow her to be her natural self, and as the boys grow older it will be interesting to watch them develop into their own personalities and talents. All that to say I don't deserve to be a home-school mom. Kindergarten and 1st, mainly kindergarten, were some real hard times. Times that bring tears to my eyes when I think about them, and not tears of joy. I expected so much out of my baby girl. I had no clue what I was doing how I was hurting her. This year I started taking the kids outside more often. We would do our reading outside, and they loved it. There truly is some very special about being outside. Whenever I would start to feel stressed with the kids I would tell them come on let's go outside. And after just a few minutes of playing my anxiety and stress would melt away. I don't deserve my family, they have taught me far more, and I am sure will continue to teach me, than I have ever taught them. I am thankful for the health journey I have been on this year. Has it been hard, is it still hard, absolutely, I struggle daily to tell myself no, against sugar and yes to exercise. I am thankful the Lord has helped me to be more faithful to eating healthier and exercising. I don't dread running up and down the stairs ten times a day anymore, like I used to. Which allows me to serve my family better because we are able to do our school work in the area where all my teaching tools are at. I am able to run around the back yard and play tag with Millie and Abram. I am thankful the Lord doesn't give up on me. He has had soooooo many opportunities to do so. It broke my heart in kindergarten and in first Millie would often say " I can't do this, I am no good" it absolutely broke my heart. Part of my hearts desire to home-school was to be the encouragement I know they needed as they grow. One day the Lord spoke to me and said that's how I feel Marlene. The Lord wants us to believe that we can do it, that we can do ALL things THROUGH Him who gives us strength. The Lord wants to be our encouragement, our strength, our rock, our helper, our friend, our shoulder to cry on and so much more. I guess in closing I can say in my heart the Lord is all that to me, and so much more, and so I am blessed far far far beyond what I deserve. 

Our thankful tree

I did originally write this around thanksgiving, I am just now figuring out how to do a blog. Don't laugh at me. lol 

Do I cry?

ABSOLUTELY!
I cry when get overwhelmed, which is often, I cry when I am mad, when I am hurt, when I am stressed, when I am thankful, when I praise the Lord, and when else could I think of... When I was little my family used to call me a cry baby. I guess I haven't changed that much.
Funny thing is, I think Millie is following right into my footsteps. She is very dramatic and cries a lot also. Jason Crabb sings a song his dad wrote called Sometimes I Cry. Oh that speaks to my heart. Some people look at my life and have false impression of the life I live, they think I don't have problems, and that life is just easy peasy for me. Life is heard, being a wife a mother, a homeschool mommy, is hard. It's all very draining. Many days I think what in the world am I doing, why did the Lord entrust His precious children in my care, as I shake my head. I would not change my life, my husband, my children, the choice to homeschool for anything in the world, but it is hard. My husband, my children, our choice to homeschool is truly a blessing beyond what I can explain, but it is such a hard and as I said draining road. Often I think, can I have a day where I am not asked many times a day, mommy I want a drink, mommy I need something to eat, mommy turn my light on, exeter a, exeter a, exeter a. I try to tell myself I will miss these days, when my kiddos don't "need" me. In the midst of the "storm" it's hard to see the other side. Not that raising kids is a storm but you know it's hard. We give, give, give and we end up emptying ourselves. At times when my mind is on so much and I have a hard time focusing on the Lord I pray that the Lord will empty my mind that He will fill me. When we give so much of ourselves that we are so empty we have nothing else to give, or if we try to give anything else it's not even that good, we have to depend on the Lord to fill us with His presence, His strength, His encouragement, His word, His love. Thankfully the Lord still loves me and He is still molding me into the wife, mother, servant He wants and needs me to be. Thankfully He still love me despite all the tears that I shed. Psalm 56:8 You put my tears in a bottle. One day I will only cry tears of joy, and what a day that will be.