Why I left the LDS church and why I returned.

       I was born to parents who were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Shortly after my parents devorced, before I was a year old, my mom left the Church.  From age 5 till 13 I was raised by my dad, we were very active in the LDS church, I loved my family and I loved the Church. I bounced back and forth from my dad to my mom during my teenage years. While with my dad I went to the LDS church, while with my mom, we went to mainly a Christian church. When I graduated high school and moved to east Tennessee, I started attending a Baptist church, where I eventually met my husband and we were married there. 
        My journey away from the LDS church was not based on one single event, and happened over the course of many years. There are some things that did lead me in that direction, and that is what I would like to explain to you.  While attending a Christian church in Virginia I went on a couple youth conferences. I felt something amazing there. Something was truly amazing about 100s of youth all singing praises to the Lord. I now understand that feeling to be the Holy Spirit.  I also know that you can feel the Holy Spirit in many many different places, in my house, in many different denominations of churches, simply being outside, and so on.  Having these experiences outside the LDS church led me to realize there are wonderful people and wonderful things happening outside the LDS church also.  During high-school I started noticing a few judgemental comments from friends within the LDS church, and they did not sit to well with me. I am not a person that confront people, so I just ended up internalizing these comments. Added to the fact that I was, and of course still am, very much growing in my faith and trying to find my way, I ended up attatching myself to religion outside the LDS church. I was still the same person, I still loved my savior, and wanted to grow closer to him. I loved going to church, listening to contemperary chirstian music and being around my church friends. I was happy with where I was spiritually. I respected my dad and all his family for being members of the LDS church, this was a mutual respect.
        Much like my journey away from the LDS church, being over the course of many years; like so was my journey back to the LDS church.  Over the course of the 16 years away from the LDS church; while being very active in a different denomination; I heard countless times judgmental comments, either directly or indirectly putting the LDS church down. These comments were made in converstaions, in sunday school classes and even from the pulpit.  Every time  a comment was made, something in me twinged a little bit, but I knew I did not believe in the teachings of the LDS church and so I would just brush them off (even though I can still remember many of the comments specifically).  I promise with everything in me that I didn't return to the LDS church simply because I had heard judgemental comments.  I also want to add, in the course of these 16 years, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. It was during this time that I realized that the Lord turly loves me, cares about and wants to help me, so these years were very fundamental to me on my personal journey.
        Febuary 28 of 2017 I was attending my weekly bible study, that I love so dearly. We were studing the book of John that year and that week specifically we were studing about false prophets.  Let me go back and add a couple of detials about this situation. Just over a month prior to this event my family flew to Arizona to visit my family. Durning our time here, we sat around the table and had a good ol' family bible study. Towards the end of this time my dad gave his testimony, which was ALL about Chirst.  The second thing I want to add is my bible study is a non-denominational bible study. We were advised not to name our specific church or any specific pastors, to keep us all on a level playing field, we were all there to learn more about Chirst-period.  Well like any other rules or guidelines, not everyone follows them. One lady that night said "My family flew into Salt Lake City to visit some national parks, the Mormons say that they are Chirstian, but there was nothing about Chirst there."  Oh my heavens!!!!!!! Total stab to my heart, for two reasons, only about a month prior had I heard from my dads mouth his testimony all about Jesus Christ, and two, even though I sturggled with some things about the LDS church I NEVER once thought that they worship or believe in anything other than Christ, the whole religion is totally centered around Christ. The remainder of the week I was completly consumed in termoil. By Saturday of that week the termoil was literally seeping out of me.  Shane said something to me very innocently, and I broke into tears.  He thought I was mad at him. I did my best to explian what was all on my mind that week, he ended the conversation parying for me to have peace and find the answers I was looking for. Shane advised me that maybe I should talk to our asistant pastor's wife and my dad. Not that I did not trust Shane and his advice or either of these individuals and their advice, but I knew this was a situation only myself and the Lord had to work out. I also knew that the Lord was going to be the only one who would give me totally unbiased opinion. I had simple came to a point in my life that I HAD to know, and I could not bear with myself any longer. I HAD to know, were the teaching of the LDS church true or not.  The way I see it they are either true or the are not, there really is no gray area. Joseph Smith either did have a vision where he saw the Father and the Son or he didn`t; he either translated the golden plates, by the power of the Holy Spirit, into what we know of as the Book of Mormon, or he didn't and he totally made it up.  I will tell you in total honesty, I DID NOT want it to be true, but I HAD to know one way or the other. I was tired of the judgment not knowing for sure what the truth was, and I knew only the Lord could answer these questions.
        Over the next three weeks I literally poured over the internet trying to prove to myself that Joseph Smith had just simply written the Book of Mormon and made the whole Mormon religion up. I kept hearing a voice saying "Just read the Book of Mormon," which I brushed off saying I dont have time, I don't have the energy, I am not even getting much Bible study time in, how can I try to read the Book of Mormon. I kept up my effort of trying to prove Joseph Smith had just written the Book of Mormon by his own efforts, but I found myself getting more and more confussed to the point that one specific night I lay in Millie's bed, putting her to sleep, reading a article about Joseph Smith and my whole soul was in so much agony. I said inwardly after that "Lord I don't know, I am so confussed, maybe none of this religion stuff matters at all."  It was not until I put down the internet and started reading with an open heart, not knowing what I was going to find that answers started come and the calmness of the Holy Spirit filled me. Like I said earlier I was not having much time for my own Bible study, and when all this started I had even less time. Amazing things started happening though. My time was somehow mutiplied. I think back now and wonder how in the world did I even accomlish all that I did in the short time. In about 2 and a half months I had read the Book of Mormon through, along with another  200 page book and countless internet articles. All while I was still homeschooling and keeping up with my daily duties fairly well.  I also noticed I was more loving toward my children and just had a more positive attitude.  I started thinking, how can something that is "bad" create in me something so good.
          Three weeks after the incedent at my bible study, on a cold Sunday afternoon, two of the sweetest sister missionaries ever so quietly knocked on me door. We talked for a moment, I told them that we attended church somewhere else, they were not pushy at all, said they would love to come over and read from the Bible with my family, and they were on their way. I will add during this time not a single soul on this earth, other than Shane knew that I was struggling with these questions, I will also add that in the 16 years since I had left the LDS church not once, in my memory, had the LDS missionaries ever knocked on my door.  They left that day and did not return for another 3-4 weeks, at which time they were still not pushy they just wanted to share a short video about the resurection of Christ. In the weeks to come they came to the house usually about once a week, most the time to just hang out and talk. They never gave me a formal lesson or anything, they just simply became my friends, all of my precious Sister missionaries I consider true angels and still keep in contact with all of them.
          Through many tears, prayers, studing, and pondering I received confirmation over an over that the Book of Mormon is truly God's word and that the teaching of the LDS church are true.  I knew this was going to be quite a shock to most people and there would be quite a few who did not agree with me decision, but I could not deny the truth that the Holy Spirit had testified to me of.  So I returned to the LDS church not because of judgment, but becoming fed up with judgment led me to start asking questions.  One time, while talking to my dad, he advised me concerning judgment "I can't tell you that you will not experience judgment in the LDS church," I said "I know dad, but at least now I know the truth."  Is there judgment inside the LDS church, absolutly, is there judgment outside the LDS church, absolutly. Will there be things that are said by Sunday school teachers that are not correct docterine, yes, will there be things said from pulpits all accross he world that are false docerine, yes. We all are sinners, we all make mistakes, LDS or not.
         So simply put, I did not return to the LDS church because I was raised in it, because of judgment, because we were praying about moving to Arizona. I choose to return because the Holy Spirit testified of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and that Joseph Smith truly was a prophet called of God. Has this been an easy journey, absolutly not.